Infuriating Potterverse
by Terri Granger
Summary: An odd new section appears on the Daily Prophet. Comedy abounds.
1. Annoying Trelawney

Infuriating Potterverse

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Potterverse, J.K. Rowling does. I don't own anything referenced in this fic either, such as PJO.

Harry was sitting in the Great Hall at breakfast time when the post owls arrived. Hermione grabbed her copy of the Daily Prophet, paid the owl 5 Knuts and opened the paper. She was intrigued by the new section listed in the contents page: Comics and funny pages. At Ron's encouragement she immediately turned to that section, read it, and then handed the paper to Ron so she wouldn't drop it in her porridge, because she was laughing so hard at the weird list which had been printed.

**The Top 10 Ways to Annoy Sybill Trelawney:**

1: Tell her the Oracle from Percy Jackson and the Olympians is more accurate than she is.

2: Tell her the Bureau of Meteorology AKA the Weather Forecasters, are more accurate than she is.

3: Smash her crystal balls to make disco globes with.

4: Offer her an Inner Eye guide dog.

5: Ask her to predict the outcome of the next horse race/some other gambling event.

6: Ask her why Harry isn't dead yet.

7: Tell her the Grim keeps following you around. Ask for advice on how to shake him off.

8: Ask her to predict the next Transfiguration class/Snape's next snide comment/etc.

9: Tell her the centaurs are wise stargazers and know more about astrology than she ever will.

10*: Tell her Dumbledore feels sorry for her because he knows she's never going to be able to make a real prediction, and that's the only reason he hired her.

10: Ask her if she can read the patterns in leftover coffee grounds. Suggest that reading coffee grounds should be taught, since tea leaves are going out of fashion.

* Actually no, that's mean. That's just a way to hurt her. Delete that one.

**Coming up next week: Top 10 ways to infuriate Severus Snape. Reader contributions are most welcome.**

"What on earth is Percy Jackson and the Olympians?" Ron spluttered, passing Harry the paper so he could grab a serviette and wipe his streaming eyes. "A muggle series about a teenager who keeps on blowing up his schools and getting attacked by monsters, because he's the son of Poseidon, who's the Greek god of the sea." Harry replied, sniggering at the list. "This is hilarious! Has McGonagall seen this?" "I think so. She doesn't normally laugh that much at breakfast," Ron replied, indicating the staff table, which was the site of much merriment, now that the newspaper had been delivered.

The three Gryffindors sniggered amongst themselves. "I can't wait for tomorrow's list!" Exclaimed Harry. Ron and Hermione agreed with him.


	2. Infuriating Snape

Snape's Turn

At breakfast time the next day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were eagerly awaiting the Daily Prophet. Yesterday's list had been so funny, and they couldn't wait to see what the new list would contain. They knew it was ways to annoy Professor Snape, but what ways would be included? When the paper arrived, Hermione unfolded it eagerly and turned to the Comics and funny pages section. There, just as expected, was the headline:

Top 10 Ways to Infuriate Severus Snape:

1: Call him Sevvie.

2: Be Harry Potter. ("Too true", Harry laughed. Snape gets mad at my very existence!) Failing this, be a Gryffindor. Hang around with Harry, if possible.

3: Fill his favourite cauldron with liquefied slugs/something disgusting.*

4: Ask him how the Dark Lord/Voldy is. Express genuine interest.

5: Offer him a bottle of shampoo for greasy hair. Suggest he use it daily.

6: Chant "Snape and Evans sitting in a Tree" at him. Laugh when he tries to hex you for it.

7: Tell him Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/[Insert name] thinks he's cute and wants to date him.

8: Enchant parchment to insult him whenever he tries to read it. Make the enchantment obvious, but hard to break. Laugh at his frustration when every piece of parchment he tries to read, including students essays, insults him.

9: Re-label his potions ingredients. Use as many nonsense words as you can.

10: Tell him he's got detention with Dumbledore, and he's really in for it this time.

**Coming up tomorrow: Top Ten Ways to try Albus Dumbledore's Patience.**

"I can't wait! Dumbledore's should be funny." Ron enthused. Look at Snape, he's livid. We'd best avoid him." Harry said, grinning. He had an excuse for skiving Potions; Snape would hex him on sight if he went, just because of the list. Professor Dumbledore approached the Gryffindor table at that point. "You students might want to avoid Potions today, Severus looks like he might hex Gryffindors on sight just for existing." He said, smiling at them. "Tomorrow's list should be funny, I'm looking forward to finding out what the Prophet thinks annoys me." The students smiled at him, before turning back to their breakfasts, chattering animatedly.

*Thanks, Anne Walsh. The liquefied slugs is a Dangerverse reference.


	3. Trying Dumbldore's Patience

Trying Dumbledore's Patience

Remember the disclaimer in Chapter 1? It's still true. I still own nothing. Especially the songs listed in number six.

Day three dawned bright and cheerful for the students. Snape was no longer fuming about the list the Prophet had printed, and was instead smirking, looking forward to what the Prophet would use t try and bug his boss. Especially if it had any good ideas. Minerva McGonagall was dreading the list. What would the Prophet think bugged Albus? And why did she have the bad feeling it was going to include some things that bugged a lot of people?

When the post owls entered the Great Hall, some students looked up excitedly, some looked up nervously and some looked up fearfully. All were anticipating the newest list in the Prophet's new section. The comics were skipped over, as usual, as everyone turned to the list. Albus frowned at the first suggestion, laughed at the second, glowered at the third, informed Severus that if he tried the fourth he was in for a spanking, (Before informing the whole school of the same thing- that is,- anyone trying number four is in for a spanking!) then sighed and started to snigger at the rest, before passing the paper to Minerva. "The first one is just weird. The rest should be ok, although a few could be dangerous if done wrong." Minerva glanced at the list, before muttering, "I agree, Albus. And I think I'm dreading tomorrow!" "Calm down, my dear, it won't be that bad," Albus soothed, before muttering: "I hope."

The students were in an uproar. Some of them were yelling at the paper. It seemed only the Slytherins approved of number three, and not many of them approved of it. After all, very few people thought magical learning should be kept within magical families only, even if not everyone thought muggleborns should be allowed at Hogwarts. Also, Snape might be a snarky git, but it wasn't really fair to assume he was still a fully fledged death eater, even though he still had the mark.

Harry spent several seconds grumbling at the list, before looking around that the Gryffindors. "What say we be extra nice to McGonagall today and tomorrow, she's going to be on edge for a bit, especially with the last three lists, and she's up tomorrow!" He whispered, before adding "I really hope they do one about Umbitch, I've got a few suggestions for that one!" "Too true," replied Ron and Hermione. The general vicinity seemed to be in agreement with them.

**The Top 10 Ways to Try Albus Dumbledore's Patience**

1: Chant "Albie and Minnie sitting in a tree," over and over. Substitute other names if you wish.*

2: Give him mismatched woollen socks. Make sure they are in loud and garish colours. This is especially effective if they are all covered in very strange patterns.

3: Enact a law banning all muggleborns and muggles from interacting in any way, shape, or form with the wizarding world. Especially ban all muggleborns from receiving the proper training to deal with their talents. Claim the law has Dumbledore''s support. Alternately, you could always claim that Albus supports Voldemort. Openly. I mean, why else would he hire at least one death eater a year? (This assumes that Snape's contract gets renewed every year, therefore Dumbledore is hiring a death eater a year, even though it's always the same death eater, and I should be saying ex-death eater.)

4: Feed him a Weasley love potion while concentrating on person of your choice. Alternatively, give him prank woollen socks that turn into textbooks if he tries to wear them, and then back into socks if he gives in and tries to read them.

5: Give Fawkes owl treats

6: Teach Fawkes or the Sorting Hat muggle songs. If yo use the Hat, tell him to sing at the top of his 'lungs' all the time. Use trigger words for the songs. Eg: Hogwarts = 'God Save the Queen', Minerva = any love song, especially from the sixties, Graduation = The Carnival Is Over, Quidditch= any sporting anthem eg: Barmy Army. These are just a few ideas.

7: Tell the house elves to call him an 'interfering old coot' 'insane long beard' or other such nicknames. Don't tell them who that instruction is from.

8: Charm the house banners to hang over the wrong tables. Alternatively, charm the animals on the house banners to skip from banner to banner, never landing on the banner they belong on. Make them sing the school song at weird intervals and times.

9: Replace his sherbet lemons with licorice wands. Alternatively, use any other sweet. This works especially well with Betie Botts' Beans. Try and find at least one earwax one.

10: Invite the Dursleys to Hogwarts. Tell Snape the truth about them. Set Snape on them. Don't protect them from him. Well, why should you. The Dursleys deserve everything Snape could possibly do to them, and more.

*Is also number one on tomorrow's list, just to warn our readers so they don't feel cheated.

**Coming up tomorrow: The Top 10 Ways to get On Minerva McGonagall's Nerves**


	4. Getting On McGonagall's Nerves

**Getting on McGonagall's Nerves**

For the staff and students of Hogwarts, the previous three days had been momentous. Snape, Trelawney and Dumbledore had all been featured in a new section of the Daily Prophet, and today was McGonagall's turn. Everyone knew what number one on the list was going to be, it had been the same for Dumbledore. But no one knew what the rest of the list would be, and Minerva was dreading it, despite Albus' attempts to reassure her.

When the paper finally arrived, Minerva turned to the list with no small amount of trepidation. She stared at it for some time, before finally starting to laugh. "I'm annoyed by number one, If anyone tries number three or number four I will spank them, and I'm still really mad about number two, but the rest are just plain funny!" She whispered to albus, smiling in relief.

The Top 10 Ways To Get on Minerva McGonagall's Nerves

1: Chant "Albie and Minnie sitting in a tree." Repeat. Often. Substitute other names if you wish.

2: Tell her the true identity of the Weasleys' ex-pet rat. Also inform her of the truth behind the secret-keeper.

3: Transfigure all her class notes into catnip balls and chew toys. This is especially effective if the class involves something to do with catnip balls or chew toys. Don't tell her which ones are the class notes. Laugh as she spend half an hour trying to reverse the transfiguration on every one of them.

4: Transfigure catnip balls and chew toys into random class notes. Make them nonsensical. Make the transfiguration permanent or reversible only by password. Refer to number ten for password suggestions.

5: Ask her if she's heard any good predictions lately. Especially if she's talking to Sybill Trelawney.

6: Call her "Minnie". Or some other version of Minerva.

7: Two words: Pretty Kitty. Use this nickname as much as possible. Especially in front of her colleagues.

8: Give her a Weasley fake wand that changes into a cat toy. If possible, exchange this with her proper, functioning wand. If possible, make the fake wand do a few spells before malfunctioning.

9: Ask if she's got Kneazle blood. Comment on the high level of intelligence the cat form shows, especially in comparison to the human.

10: Work out her password. Change it. Charm it to change to a different breed of cat every 24 hours. This is especially effective if you use muggle cat breeds.

In tomorrow's edition: How to Terrify Dolores Umbridge. All reader contributions, especially from Professor Umbridges's ex-students, are very welcome.

"Indeed, they are mostly funny, Minerva," Albus replied, chuckling. "Although I will admit I'm thoroughly sick of number one on both our lists, especially since someone has taught Fawkes that chant. He'll drive me nuts very soon, if I'm not careful.

The Slytherin students were conspiring, probably planning on doing number three or four at least once. The Gryffindors thought the list funny, but weren't intending to do any of them. It was just too mean to try and annoy their stern head of house. Plus, some of the suggestions were things that annoyed them as well. Harry, in particular, had snarled at number two, before Ron distracted him with numbers three and four.

A?N: Okay., from now on, I don't think there'll be so much narrative. I'm just going to make it look like a Prophet article, and say what the next list is, if I think of it, or if I can't think of a list, I'll beg for ideas from readers. Reviews are very welcome, please. I need to know what to do next.


	5. Terrorizing Umbridge

A/N: Please offer inspiration, and the author reserves the right to do two or more lists about one person if enough ideas come.

By day five, the Daily Prophet lists had become routine. Not that everyone didn't look forward to them, but they just didn't generate the same level on conversation, or interest, as they originally had. They were fast becoming just another regular feature of the Prophet.

So, here's the next list. Umbitch's turn!

**The Top 10 Ways to Terrorize Dolores Umbridge**

1: "Hey Neville, has your toad gone missing? I think he turned into a human!"

2: Make a noise like a herd of Centaurs.

3: Tell her Cornelius knows everything, and isn't happy with her.

4: Tell her Harry got into Auror school.

5: Call her Umbitch. Well, she is, isn't she?

6: Tell her Dumbledore and Harry were right all along. Better yet, lure Voldemort into the Ministry, and make him come up in front of her.

7: Find evidence that she's not a pure-blood. Push her in front of the trials in book 7.

8: Get Grawp to go after her for hurting Hagrid.

9: Ask if you can borrow her cardigan. Return it with spell damage burns. Make the permanent and impossible to mend.

10: Give her anything to do with Triple W. That is, anything to do with Weasley Wizard Wheezes.

I'm sorry the chapter is so short this time, but the narrative surrounding the prophet was becoming boring. Please offer suggestions for next lists. I think I might try a Fudge one.


	6. Worrying Fudge

Well, here's the latest edition of everyone's favourite new column in the Prophet!

The Top 10 Ways to Bother Cornelius Fudge

1: Tell him Voldemort's back. Also tell him his top advisors are Death Eaters. Be proven right.

2: Tell him about Dolores Umbridge's torture of students. Also tell him she's the one who set Dementors on Harry Potter that year. Ask what he intends to do about it.

3: Be Harry Potter. Or Albus Dumbledore.

4: Two words: Dmbledore's Army. Join them.

5: Write for the Quibbler. Or support their weirdest theories somehow. Find irrefutable evidence proving them.

6: Ask him why Sirius Black never got a trial. Tell him his personal assistant used to be the owner of the real secret-keeper/traitor/murderer Pettigrew.

7: Criticize his fashion sense. Especially that stupid lime-green bowler.

8: Set Peeves on him. No, really. Set Peeves on him.

9: Charm his bowler to sing songs when specific words are said. I'm not giving examples this time like I did for the Sorting Hat.

10: Be Rita Skeeter. Actually do your job properly for once. Dig up as much legitimate, hard evidence, preferably backed by more than three different, unbiased people or sources as possible.

Okay. I am officially out of ideas. Please, reasders, contribute! Or do you think this is a waste of time ans should be discontinued? I don't want to copy off other people's lists. PLease send in ideas. ::::puppy eyes::::


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